While all the cool kids are at Cannes, us losers are stuck stateside to contemplate the two big Hollywood movies opening this week: Battleship, which stars Liam Neeson, the guy still smarting from his titular role in the reigning biggest flop of all time, and aliens (and has no chance of being the best movie based on a board game); and The Dictator (review below). Your choice is clear.

You could also feed your Jack Black obsession (already running red-hot with the new Tenacious D album, natch) with Richard Linklater's new comedy, Bernie (review here). You could expand your cinematic horizons at the San Francisco Cinematheque's third annual "Crossroads" festival. Or, while weeping over blogs detailing Cannes flicks you won't get to see until 2013, you could organize your summer movie plan of attack.

And, of course, feed your Sno-Cap habit with The Dictator and other top picks from the rest of this week's opening slate:

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What to watch? Johnny Depp going goth (agaaaain) for director Tim Burton? Indeed, the camp-stalgia Dark Shadows is the big-ticket opening this week (i.e., has the most billboards around town). But, as always, rich rewards await those moviegoers willing to dig just a li'l below the surface.

Hit the Roxie for another edition of noir series "I Wake Up Dreaming" (and read Max Goldberg's take on the programming here); and the Yerba Buena Center for the Arts for week two of Andrzej Zulawski insanity (read Dennis Harvey's take here).

But wait. There's more! To start, docs about tiny dancers and the world's impending water crisis:

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Summer is here! Well, almost. And by "summer" I mean "summer movie season," which kicks off May 4 with the arrival of Marvel's The Avengers. No fools when it comes to making a buck (or hundreds of millions of bucks), Hollywood crams in a few last smaller-ish films before the floodgates open, and they're certainly about to open — Dark Shadows, The Dictator, Battleship, Men in Black 3, and Prometheus all come out before summer actually begins in mid-June. (Side note: fuck yeah, Prometheus!)

All in good time. There's something for almost everyone this weekend: a rom-com, a murder mystery featuring John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe, and a Statham (Statham (n): a bare-bones action movie in which one grizzled-yet-handsome antihero distributes as many ass-beatings as possible.) Read on, popcornheads.

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Between the San Francisco International Film Festival (kicks off Thu/19! Our coverage starts here) and the Castro Theatre's weekend schedule of more James Bond classics than you can shake a martini at (or a Heinekin ... gaah!), why bother even considering a first-run movie?

Yeah, all right. You make a good point there. But. BUT. Nicholas Sparks fiends aside, there are a few good reasons to hit up the ol' megaplex (or at least the ol' multi-screen arthouse). The first is a documentary perfectly suited for its 4/20 release...

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Guess how many movies are opening in the Bay Area Fri/13? Sixteen. Sixteen, y'all. That might be an all-time Ultimate Grand Supreme record. So in this saturated situation, what's worth seeing, considering this is your last weekend before the San Francisco International Film Festival sets up shop and dominates all your moviegoing brain cells?

First, check out Dennis Harvey's feature-length review of Applause, imported from Denmark and featuring "a flamboyant, arresting, faultless star turn" from Paprika Steen, a megastar in her home country.

Seeking more? Here are five (out of 16, remember — true fiends can check out our complete film listings if five ain't enough) to get you through the weekend.

A buzzed-about doc on the (unfortunately) hot topic of teen bullying:

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