Sex and Romance

By Johnny Ray Huston

If San Francisco were your girlfriend, would you let her pick out your clothes? Could you go to a movie and cry together? Would you chase her, a femme fatale, into a hall of mirrors? Would you play detective, trailing her from the old de Young to Mission Dolores? Would you save her from a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? Would you let her break your heart?

If San Francisco were your boyfriend, would you make him breakfast? If San Francisco were your secret lover, would you trick with him by the beach or in the park, during daylight and when it's dark? Would you let him be your Scottie, your Dirty Harry, your Michael O'Hara, your Mitchell brother, your Peter Berlin? Would you let him be your man, do all the things that only a best friend can?

I've been going out with San Francisco for 15 years. They say you shouldn't ask too much about your lover's past, but I'm curious. I've gleaned hints from the luridly covered pulp paperbacks sold at the Magazine, Auto Erotica, and Kayo Books. The sixth floor of the public library's main branch offers kinky clues, with tales of a Gold Rush population that was 90 percent male. Thanks to historians like Allan Berube, William Lipsky, Randy Shilts, and Susan Stryker, I've learned a few secrets, such as the hanky code's origins in a 49ers-era predilection for colored handkerchiefs that distinguished masculine and feminine roles at square dances. Swing your partner.

Guys and gals have long gone wild in San Francisco - and been chastened for it. Many decades before the onset of AIDS, the people of this city had already learned how to rescue sexual pleasure from disaster; legend has it that Market Street first became a cruising area shortly after the 1906 earthquake. Of course, cops were always around to spoil the fun by joining in on it, as they're wont to do. Some even dipped their dicks in Mercurochrome so that any man leaving downtown movie theaters with telltale red lips was busted. In 1948 it was illegal to sell alcohol to homosexuals, but a decade later John Wieners - the poet of Scott Street and the Tenderloin's Hotel Wentley - used booze, bars, and Billie Holiday as three main ingredients of his "A Poem for Cocksuckers."

Queers helped give birth to the Summer of Love by battling and overcoming repressive forces in the early '60s. In 1964, Life magazine called San Francisco the "gay capital of the world" despite the fact that the city's number of gay bars had been halved by police persecution in the 12 months preceding that issue. The year before the Summer of Love marked a turning point in queer history here: in 1966 the city's first gay and lesbian community center made its debut, Rikki Streicher opened Maud's Study for dykes to get their sip on in the Haight, and Compton's Cafeteria in the Tenderloin became the site of the first group act of queer civil unrest in the United States when fierce butches and queens threw cups of coffee and plates at police harassers. Eat our gold dust, East Coast - Stonewall was still three years away.

I can't help but look at the Summer of Love and its immediate aftermath through lavender lenses, remembering that Huey P. Newton once reached out to link the Black Panthers and gay liberation. San Francisco magazine asked, "Whither the hippies?" in a 1967 feature, but the hippie gays were going strong. Phil Andros published S an Francisco Hustler during the Summer of Love. The theatrically flamboyant Hibiscus, who'd iconically placed a flower in a soldier's rifle, might be the signature image of love in the Haight: haunting Hippie Hill, prettier than Jesus - and much more likely to swap blowjobs with you. During a Fillmore-set sequence of the classic 1970 concert doc Groupies, it's Cockette Goldie Glitters and his slurry-mouthed sidekick Chaz who steal the scene by coming on to an adorable Terry Reid in 100 different ways.

As the '70s swaggered and sashayed onto the scene, grabbing for straight rockers' crotches became unnecessary. Bathhouses opened all over SoMa and even placed ads on the sides of buses. Folks stumbled, smiling, into broad daylight from the Handball Express and the Ball Room. The barrier between then and now seems more than condom thin. That not-so-secret sexual history is packed in boxes in the LGBT Historical Society's archives or placed under glass in the public library's main branch. But you can still touch it if you're lucky. I have flyers for the Caldron on Natoma on which sub - Tom of Finland sketches herald "Pig Wrestling" and "Fist-Fucking Thursdays" and for the Boot Camp Club on Bryant, where "A Spring Pissout" once took place.

Today, if you think sex and romance can only be found on Craigslist or hookup sites, you're on the path to unenlightened frustration. The computer is the opiate of the 21st century, turning imagination into procrastination, dousing libidos in the pixel glow of the last not-so-great picture-trading show. You're more than your snapshot; the city is still here, and it wants you. You can go to Eros at night and the church next door in the morning, but you don't have to be so literal. You can find sex behind fog or steam, in the bushes and the dunes, on the underground, in alleys, in booths or by-the-hour hot-tub rooms, or in cars that slowly drive by. You can meet the love of your life anywhere, perhaps the very second you decide to quit looking. I met mine in front of a fire, albeit one in the back yard of the Eagle.

You can say, "Fuck San Francisco," or you can really fuck it. If you were San Francisco's boyfriend, it would give you a ride on the great glass elevator of the Westin Saint Francis, share an order of salt-and-pepper shrimp from House of Nanking, then sneak you up to the Castro Theatre's balcony. If you were this city's girlfriend, it would take you into an alley, up on a rooftop, to someplace public yet private, so you could have your way with each other. The city is your boyfriend and your girlfriend. Do it now.

Editor's Picks

BEST DANG DOMINATRIX

For some, finding a domme is about cruising the back pages of a local rag and hoping the leather-clad diva who shows up isn't a serial killer - or a soccer mom on her first trip trying out her new persona. But if you're looking for someone to take control who's experienced and educated and knows her boundaries, Selina Raven is your dream dominatrix. A staffer at the spanktastic Academy of SMArts (www.sm-arts.com), an educational kink collective, Raven considers herself an artist and the human body her favorite medium. If you're lucky, you'll get to visit her studio, the Inner Sanctum, a two-room play space that's the perfect venue for engaging in dress-up (in the Boudoir), a master-and-slave scene (in the Dungeon), or a delectable myriad of fantasies that exist in the realm in between (and between consenting adults). Being bad has never felt - or looked - so good.

www.selinaraven.com

BEST SECRET MAKE-OUT VISTA

The first time someone took us up the fire road to the viewpoint atop Mount Tam at the West Point Inn, we wanted to jump off our mountain bike and make out with them right then. We did jump off the mountain bike (although we prudently saved the making-out part for a couple of dates later) and nearly fell off the dang mountain, we were that smitten. Located on the upper slope of Tam, near the top of the old railroad grade, the historic inn was built in 1904 as a stopover and restaurant on the Mill Valley-Mount Tamalpais Railway line. Today the setup is a bit DIY - bring your own food, sleeping bag, and flashlight - but the amazing panoramic view of the East Bay, San Francisco, the Marin Headlands, and the Golden Gate Bridge will knock your socks off. And if your game is smooth, it will probably knock the socks (and who knows what else) off whomever you choose to bring up there too. Pucker up.

1000 Panoramic Hwy., Mill Valley. (415) 388-9955, www.westpointinn.com

BEST BAR FOR A BOOTY CALL

Heavy-handed booze slingers and a packed house of tipplers all obviously having a very good time do a great booty-call bar make. The Fishbowl Bar and Grill is packed with a mix of Marina overflow, Pac Heights trickle-down, and CPDs (collar-poppin' dudes) who can't afford to live in either neighborhood but like the girls who do. Superstrong cocktails and martinis served in glasses so big they're almost comical ensure that the right prescription alcohol goggles are fitted to everyone inside. And with the overflow of tipsy 21-year-olds, it's a rare occasion on which the lonely troubadour goes home solo at last call. Charmingly, Pepperidge Farms goldfish are set out for little snackies on the bar, in case the generous bartenders' wares begin to take too much of a toll.

1854 Divisadero, SF. (415) 775-3630

BEST STD RV

When our drag queen friend Felicia Fellatio invited us down to Daly City on Thursday night to pick up a trailer, we didn't know quite what to think. Further information was supplied: four or five times a week Felicia and friends pick up a specially designed RV and travel around to clubs for gay, bisexual, and transgender men, offering free STD and HIV tests and counseling services to the debaucherous attendees. We'd been invited for a ride in the StopAIDS Mobile Testing RV. The RV parks near the party's entrance, and members of the StopAIDS organization filter through the crowd, inviting peeps to "come in, chill out, get tested." The RV is decked out like a little VIP lounge; testing takes about 20 to 30 minutes, and trained counselors gently talk participants through it all. The presence of the RV also reminds partygoers that getting wild is a lot more fun if you know about the risks. All aboard!

www.stopaids.org

BEST WAY TO DEFINITELY GET LAID TONIGHT

A good friend once said, "When you have a beautiful woman, it just makes sense to put her in beautiful lingerie - it's like wrapping a present!" Then he shoved us into a dressing room at Alla Prima Fine Lingerie in Hayes Valley. As satin hanger after satin hanger draped with Cosabella, Lise Charbel, and other exquisite brands made its way into the opulently furnished, flatteringly lit changing area and both the friend and the efficient saleswoman offered seemingly objective opinions, another customer browsed the racks for a pair of sexy underwear both she and her boyfriend could use. How very San Francisco! After we chose a set of lacy black La Perla undergarments, our good buddy unexpectedly whipped out his credit card and made the purchase. A casual dinner was eaten in Hayes Valley, and then ... well, the friendship was never the same again.

539 Hayes, SF. (415) 864-8180, www.allaprimalingerie.com

BEST REPOSITORY OF PAST PERV PRIDE

Photos of '70s underwater fisting off Cabo San Lucas. The Cunt Coloring Book, a lesbian-feminist art project. The Robert Chesley collection of pubic hair clippings, lovingly stored in individual vials. These are just a few of the pervy offerings at the GLBT Historical Society, which also houses bread-and-butter collections such as the papers of lesbian royalty Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin. The society was founded in the early days of the AIDS crisis by the late, great, and very pervy Willie Walker, who archived materials in his living room in response to the history he saw literally dying around him. Now slightly more grown up, it boasts a professionally staffed archive and reading room and houses one of the world's largest collections of queer history materials. The society's next project: the world's first full-scale, professional-quality museum dedicated to queer history and culture.

657 Mission, Ste. 300, SF. (415) 777-5455, www.glbthistory.org

BEST SEX HACKER

Sure, we're all sex positive in San Francisco. But often it's a grudging respect, as if full-on yay-sex attitudes aren't quite hip anymore. Thank the seven-breasted goddess there's Melissa Gira, who manages to make celebrating sex both smart and cool once again. Her blog Sexerati.com is quickly becoming a must-read in San Francisco. There Gira shreds sex worker stereotypes and tears apart the latest stripper-bashing books. She champions sex players as well as sex workers, and she also uses her geek cred for good, hacking into sex toys, deconstructing the cybererotic, and elaborating on clever fetishes with equal aplomb. (Her "Sex Hacks" discussion series includes live tutorials on connecting a vibrator to the Internet in order to electrify your lover's tenderest membranes.) Gira's overarching mission is to help people be "sex smart," using technology and tactile know-how to improve their own erotic lives. Now that's Web 2.0.

www.sexerati.com

BEST EROTIC RESURRECTION

We all mourned the demise of the Erotic Reading Circle, which gave up the sexy ghost half a dozen years ago. But now it's back, hosted by legendary sexologists Carol Queen and Jen Cross. A dozen or so budding smut writers meet once a month to share their works with experienced raunch raconteurs in a supportive and saucy environment. The event moves around, but its usual space at the Center for Sex and Culture has the aura of a very kinky library, with bookshelves full of smut and sex lore covering every wall. (Don't worry: nobody will shush you.) All genders and orientations are welcome, but most participants have a lovely queer and feminist vibe. People bring finished stories as well as works in progress, ranging in format from memoir to metatextual erotica mashup. You can share your latest explorations of transgressive sexuality or your recovery from sexual abuse - or just listen to an A-list pervert reading a new story that you'll find in an anthology a year later.

(415) 255-1155, www.centerforsexandculture.org

BEST COMMUNAL PASSION

If you think communes died when hippies got jobs, think again. If anything, they may be hotter than ever - and not just in terms of popularity. One Taste, an urban communal-living organization, doesn't pretend it isn't all about orgasms. Its whole purpose is exploring sexuality and, in particular, female pleasure. But that doesn't mean everything One Taste does is salacious. The meditation, massage, and yoga classes it offers are all meant to help us become aware of our bodies - which is sometimes only implicitly related to mind-blowing sex. One Taste even has a café! But its real joys come through in workshops such as Sexy Partner Dancing, Erotic Journaling, and Stroke Technique, all of which are open to the public and held in One Taste's beautiful building. Now there's some matriculation we can get behind.

1074 Folsom, SF. (415) 503-1100, www.onetastesf.com

BEST SPOT TO GET FISTED BY A BOI WITH A FAUXHAWK

When Queer Playground founder Arielle decided to fold up her popular pan-sex club's tent earlier this year, we were afraid we'd never find such a perfect place to get spanked by Daddy. The thought of losing the only party in town where a boy with tits could nail a girl with a dick while a multigendered array of attendees observed in respectful admiration was just too much for us to bear. Fortunately, new volunteer hosts have come forward to carry the torch (and the flogger). Now taking place at SF Citadel, the newly revitalized club features plenty of well-dressed and undressed party guests, high-quality play equipment, free safe-sex supplies, comfortable couches for chilling out on, and a surprisingly appetizing snack table.

(415) 626-1746, www.sfcitadel.org

BEST POLE POLISHERS

Unleash your inner stripper and liberate your inner lap dancer with Slinky Productions, a delicious duo who teach women to undulate and titillate like a one-named dancer on a sticky stage. But sexily! Founder Catherine Rose, a former professional exotic dancer who's been teaching "a few sexy moves" to friends and clients since 2000, and her former student Sara North help women satisfy their inner slut in a positive atmosphere with pole dance, exotic dance, lap dance, and floor show classes. Slinky Productions also conducts a tour of San Francisco strip clubs (which won a Guardian Best of the Bay award in 2005), so women can witness the art in medias res. And for that bold bride-to-be, the Slinkies are available for home bachelorette parties - hopefully sparing everyone the embarrassment of wearing penis-themed party favors at some bar - at which they'll demonstrate for the future Mrs. the kind of skills that can make a marriage last.

Center for Healing and Expression, 1749 O'Farrell, SF. (510) 291-9779, www.slinkyproductions.com

BEST PLACE TO MEET YOUR EX

It's been six years since you've seen each other. Back then, your love was hot, passionate, and überdestructive. Now? You're virtual strangers - with plenty to prove and even more to talk about. So where do you meet when your ex from long ago wants some closure? How about popular Mission joint the Casanova Lounge? It's hip, it's low-key, and sitting at the long, thin bar is intimate enough for convos about your shared past without being uncomfortably romantic. (We recommend your imbibing less than three glasses of red wine in this situation.) Plus, the Cas is close enough to BART to make a run for it if necessary. And what if, inner voices of protest quashed, you both decide to rekindle the romance? Move to the couches in the back. Come to think of it, these are all the reasons the Casanova is also a great first-date spot: no pressure, no limitations. For the moment.

527 Valencia, SF. (415) 863-9328, www.casanovasf.com

BEST OTHER WOMAN

Sometimes in a relationship you need a little help from your friends. And sometimes you need a lot of help from a professional. If you and your sweetie have come to a crossroads but aren't ready to part ways, check in with Shira Shore, our favorite marriage and family therapist. (She also has training in expressive arts therapy but manages not to be some New Age hippie.) Shore offers a free 30-minute initial phone consultation, so you can make sure the two of you agree she's the one for you (even if you can't seem to agree on anything else). She knows how to deal with relationships that don't fit into the male-married-to-female paradigm. And if you decide you want to leave but don't know how, she can help you both figure out a mature, workable exit strategy. OK, she doesn't take insurance - but aren't relationships all about investment?

584 43rd Ave., SF. (415) 386-7853, www.shirashore.com

BEST MELT-IN-YOUR-MOUTH APHRODISIAC

As a town where foodies outnumber fashionistas, San Francisco was bound to have a haute couturier of chocolate. Union Square's Richart Chocolate is just that. Originally from Lyon, France (arguably the food capital of the world), the chocolatier operates more than a dozen boutiques across Europe and Asia, and thank god we've got one here. The first time you open a package of one of Richart's special-occasion chocolates, moving aside the inscribed chocolate plaque and discovering the petits below, will be a day you never forget. Pop a few into your sweetie's mouf and get ready for the make-love mayhem. Floral essences such as ylang-ylang, deep-sensual South American cocoa, and bright citruses such as kumquat boggle the mind; luckily there's a little book enclosed with each box to lay it all out. Special wine and chocolate pairings are available on holidays, and sometimes Richart Chocolate offers a tasting menu at the boutique.

393 Sutter, SF. (415) 291-9600, www.richart-chocolates.com

BEST CELEB BADONKADONK ADORNER

Soft, sensual, and hecka sexy, Mary Green's assortment of exquisite undies will make you and your latest yum-yum feel as frisky and uninhibited as caffeinated bunnies. You may have spotted the San Franciscan lingerie designer's pure silk intimates - at very reasonable prices - in some of the city's finer boutiques, in glossy high-fashion magazines, or, if you're superlucky, adorning the badonkadonks of J.Lo and Jessica Biel. Mary began producing provocative panties in the mid-'80s in her home; now her enterprise has expanded into a global intimates empire. As a world traveler she understands the importance of treating workers fairly and endeavors to improve labor conditions for those at her overseas manufacturers as well as help women move into executive roles at their plants. Ladies in the know enjoy her thongs, camisoles, and bikinis, and brainy boys get busy in her boxers, briefs, and pouches. For the best deals, order at the Mary Green Web site.

www.marygreen.com

BEST STRIPPER WHO KNITS

Twinkie Chan isn't your average stripper. For one, she'd probably argue she's no stripper at all. She's a Suicide Girl, an online eroticist, dammit. Beyond that, Twinkie's probably more beloved for her skills with a couple of knitting needles than she is for twiddling her nipples. This local pop tart likes to combine two of her greatest loves - yarn and yummy eats - for some of the most imaginative and giggle-worthy scarves we've ever seen. Her Green Salad scarf, with looped-in shredded carrots and sewn-on tomatoes, and her pasta-themed Spaghetti n Meatballs neck warmer with brown and red accents make us hungry for more. Other favorites take inspiration from cupcakes, pink-frosted sugar cookies, Bomb Pops, french fries, and even Tater Tots. The only problem? Each piece is one of a kind, so once she's sold it, it's gone forever. That's why you should keep tabs on her next project - the Meat Purse - now. And no, we're not going to make some kind of meat purse pun at this point about seeing Twinkie naked on the Internet - we'll let you come up with that yourself.

www.twinkiechan.com www.myspace.com/twinkiechan

BEST SPOT TO SCORE A MILF

Although the PlumpJack Balboa Cafe was founded by someone who has a propensity for much, much younger women (in case you've been living in a hole: our mayor), it's best known as a breeding ground for May-December relationships. With the surplus of successful, self-confident straight women over 30 in this town, and the decided lack of men in the same demographic, it's no wonder that assertive women move in for the younger kill, even if they risk being labeled a "cougar." Balboa's elegant bar invokes a bygone era, when Nob Hill was the ultimate in San Francisco high society - pricey cocktails (but hey, what's an $11 mojito when you know you're gonna get laid?), an impressive wine list (classy cougars know their wines!), and a good selection of draft beers. Plentiful outside seating on the street allows for extensive opposite-sex-checkage as the Marina self-consciously preens by.

3199 Fillmore, SF. (415) 921-3944, www.plumpjack.com/balboa_main.html

BEST KINK EXPLOSION

Large and ominous against the sky in the Mission, the old Armory building can't help inspiring a spasm of awe. Its craggy Moorish design was intended to invoke respect for its original tenants, the California National Guard. Since that military presence left the facility in 1976, would-be developers, preservationists, and the residents of the Inner Mission have been at loggerheads over what to do with such a ginormous piece of real estate. Now BDSM porn auteur Peter Acworth has brought his powerhouse Kink.com to the storied castle, promising tit play, ball gags, and fucking machines for all (well, at least for the performers in his videos), as well as the restoration of the building and a focus on building bridges to the local community. Maybe, just maybe, this is the perfect use for the imposing fortress. At the very least, it'll be fun to see how the Kinksters fill all that space.

1800 Mission, SF. www.kink.com

Editor's Picks

BEST DANG DOMINATRIX

BEST SECRET MAKE-OUT VISTA

BEST BAR FOR A BOOTY CALL

BEST STD RV

BEST WAY TO DEFINITELY GET LAID TONIGHT

BEST REPOSITORY OF PAST PERV PRIDE

BEST SEX HACKER

BEST EROTIC RESURRECTION

BEST COMMUNAL PASSION

BEST SPOT TO GET FISTED BY A BOI WITH A FAUXHAWK

BEST POLE POLISHERS

BEST PLACE TO MEET YOUR EX

BEST OTHER WOMAN

BEST MELT-IN-YOUR-MOUTH APHRODISIAC

BEST CELEB BADONKADONK ADORNER

BEST STRIPPER WHO KNITS

BEST SPOT TO SCORE A MILF

BEST KINK EXPLOSION