December 4, 2002

DEAR ANDREA: I'm 24, and I have been in a relationship with a 21-year-old virgin for almost a year. She told me up front that she wouldn't have sex before she was sure she was with the man she would marry. I've been sexually active, so I knew this would be a source of frustration. At first I just used my hand, which eventually progressed to oral sex. It took her a few months to even touch my penis, let alone masturbate me. Eventually she experimented with giving me head, although I have seldom been able to achieve orgasm. When I do, she jerks her head away as if disgusted. This has always been disheartening to me, almost to the point of my feeling rejected, not to mention the difference in sensation. I tried to talk to her about it, and she said she was afraid she would throw up if she let me ejaculate in her mouth. She said that the thought alone made her feel nauseated. She became very upset and started to cry. Now I feel awful for even bringing it up, but our sex life is very unsatisfactory on my end. Don't get me wrong: I love going down on her, but I often feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I hate to upset her by talking about things like this, but I'm very frustrated, and I feel like the lack of sex is straining our relationship. Am I being selfish? What can I do to ease her into more gratifying sexual activity?

Love, Pulling My Hair Out

Dear Pulling: It's almost a pity to have to point this out at this late date, but if she doesn't want you to come in her mouth, don't. It is exactly that simple. Or at least it was exactly that simple; by now, I'm not so sure. There's so much built-up resentment (yours) and built-up anxiety (hers) that, frankly, I don't know if it's even repairable. But if it is, it starts with you not coming in her mouth.

I get that you feel like an asshole for wanting head, but you're really not, you know. You're just a guy. You needn't play the martyr, any more than she needs to play the fair maiden too pure to be sullied by your base desires and baser excretions. Honestly, you two need to get over yourselves and everything else and start fixing this before it's unfixable.

Sit down together, clothes on, and have a talk. You can start by not telling her how frustrated you are – it won't help. Then explain that while you're not quite willing to give up oral sex, you promise that your issue will not be an issue, as you will either contain it or refrain from coming until she's well out of the way. Then you must make good on your promise – no excuses.

What's that you say? Neither oral sex with a condom nor fellatio interruptus is as much fun? No, really, you don't say! You're right. They're less-than-optimal solutions, but they are solutions, which is more than you had when you got here. And not only do I hope your offer is acceptable to her, but I'm also fairly sure it will be. If it isn't, you can always point out that she may think she knows disgusting, but she ain't seen nothing yet. Keep reading.

Love, Andrea

Dear Andrea: Regarding "Troubled" 's recent question about punching a "girl" in the back of the head during "butt sex": One summer, over a spirited round of drinking games, a Harvard football player told us about this practice, which he named a "Donkey Punch." According to this Crimson Pervert, knocking the woman unconscious causes the sphincter to loosen, allowing deeper penetration. This was met, understandably, with uncomfortable silence and a general averting of eyes. No mention was made of defecation or vomiting, although they sound like not-unlikely side effects of cold-cocking an unsuspecting partner.

Neither he nor anyone present had ever attempted a Donkey Punch, as far as I know. The same cannot be said for a "Cleveland Steamer," another bit of sexual arcana he added to our collective lexicon that afternoon.

Yours, Troubled by Harvard Student

Dear Troubled: Would it make you feel better about Harvard (if worse about mankind in general) to hear that "Donkey Punch" is not, apparently, of Crimson Pervert origin? It appears the phrase has been making the rounds, if my in-box is any indication. Anyway, ick.

I don't know whether to be relieved or alarmed, but a quick search turns up evidence that the Cleveland Steamer, a practice, if anything, even more disgusting than Donkey Punch, was likewise not invented by your churlish friend. It has its own T-shirt, for god's sake, available through the aptly named getoffended.com. And that is absolutely the last thing I intend to say about any of this.

Love, Andrea