November 27, 2002

By Amanda Scotese

THE HOLIDAYS APPROACH , you're not going back to Kansas, and you're looking for ways to celebrate a few days of freedom. Unfortunately, many of the events on offer are staler than the Brachs in Grandma's sticky candy bowl. But that doesn't mean you have to spend the 12 days of Christmas, 8 nights of Hanukkah, 7 days of Kwanzaa, or winter solstice holed up in your room cursing the cheesiness outside, or prancing around the mall to the sound of joyously canned caroling. Bay Area folks know how to put together an offbeat event – whether tweaking tradition or throwing it aside altogether. Which is not to say that attending a performance of A Christmas Carol or The Nutcracker is a bad thing – just that seeing it five years in a row might indicate a holiday rut. Use your time off wisely. Or weirdly. Take up a hobby. Learn how to cook. Volunteer. Sit on your ass and enjoy twisted holiday theater. Get off your ass for some holiday booty-shaking.

The New Year approaches, signaling life changes and leaves turned over – what better moment to veer off-track and spend some quality time with your city?

For those entertaining nieces, nephews, or kids of their own, the options are boundless. This season both the New Pickle Circus and the AcroSports Performance Troupe offer performances with acrobats, ropedancers, jugglers, and clowns. In the New Pickle Circus's Circumstance, a young woman is swept up by a company of performers who live on the fringes of society, while AcroSports presents a spectacular sideshow-themed showcase with Next Stop, Anywhere. Kids who dream of shining on the stage rather than sitting in the audience can limp with their eye patches to 826 Valencia (the pirate store) for 'Sea Shanty Caroling.'

Little ones can learn how to make gifts and get them all ready for delivering at several Bay Area workshops. Oakland's Museum of Children's Art offers a toy-making workshop for kids in kindergarten through sixth grade. A craft class put on by the San Francisco League of Urban Gardeners at Crissy Field Center in the Presidio shows attendees (ages eight and up) how to craft wreaths, art on paper, and herbal body-care products from materials found in a garden. At a card-making workshop at the pirate store, kids can construct a sweet gift for their exhausted companion: you. Or they can send their card off to a family-less senior as part of a Little Brothers – Friends of the Elderly program. And back at the Museum of Children's Art they can wrap it all up at a creative gift-wrapping workshop.

Big kids can churn out handmade gifts by experimenting with candle-making at Waxen Moon or glazing ceramics at Color Me Mine, but a lot of us lazy bums prefer to buy our gifts rather than lovingly make them, so let's go to a market. You won't find cutesy Santa Claus dolls or puffy-paint sweatshirts at the holiday bazaars listed below, where local artists show off jewelry, clothes, ceramics, metalwork, and other crafts. Increase your chances of buying a gift that won't become a Goodwill donation by checking out the sales, markets, and craft fairs at Creativity Explored, the San Francisco Art Institute, Jack Kerouac Alley, and CELLspace (whose weekly Mission Village Art, Farm, and Flea Market will be taking place as usual in a parking lot out back). 'Santa's Black Market' at SomArts Gallery combines the pleasure of perusing with the Cloud Factory Design Collective's theatrical fashion show and afternoon cabaret acts. This year's event is not clothing-optional, the organizers would like to note, but costumed Santas and clowns get in free. Om Records DJs spin at 'Sample Sale 2' at 111 Minna Gallery, where the work of local independent designers is featured. Your fashionable friends will think you broke the bank on their presents.

When it comes to gorging yourself with decadent dishes, no one can complain about this time of year, but many get bogged down in the seasonal stress of having to actually venture into the kitchen to cook, not eat. Get over culinary stage fright with cooking classes. In December Home Chef's San Francisco location offers morning and evening courses on holiday breads, bûches de Noël, edible ornaments, holiday desserts, gingerbread houses, and holiday dinners. Then use those new skills by volunteering for some local community service centers. Help seniors bake their own goodies at On Lok Senior Services or donate the fruits of your culinary labors to Compass Community Services for the holiday party at its homeless shelter and counseling center. Help prepare and deliver meals for more than 2,500 low-income families and people with mental and physical disabilities though San Francisco Rescue Mission.

Or just relish your new talents. At Italingua Institute's 'Aspettando il Natale,' the stories told by Italian culinary expert Carol Field and local restaurateurs connect food with cultural traditions and then connect the tasty subjects of their stories with guests' watering mouths, buffet-style.

Now you've taken out the kids, made kooky gifts, shopped, cooked, baked, and eaten your way into oblivion – it's time for a rest. Waddle over to Oakland's Fishtank for the Punk Rock Orchestra's performance of lowbrow music with highbrow instruments. "Fuck Christmas," by Fear, might show up, along with other classic punk covers. Along similar lines of rebellion, Exit Theatre's Hotel Bethlehem comically and perversely capers through a rather untraditional take on the Old and New Testaments. And in true holiday fashion, John Waters sits in Santa's station at the Castro Theatre and lets you tell him all the naughty things you want for Christmas at a prescreening reception for 'A John Waters' X-Mas' (tradition S.F.-style); later the director (and writer of Why I Love Christmas) takes the stage to share some holiday quips. "American I-Doll: 15 Seconds to Fame" (a "Cha-Cha Heels" contest hosted by Heklina), dancing drag-king Santas, a sing-along screening of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and other suitably bizarre activities make this a truly John Waters affair.

Or maybe it's time for your own naughtiness. Attendees of 'Boy's Toys,' a toy drive at Daddy's in the Castro, exchange toy donations for play money they can use to tip male strippers as they unwrap themselves all day long Dec. 8.

Then there's Christmas Eve, a high-pressure night provoking performance anxiety among those who won't be stuffing stockings or eating roast goose but haven't come up with an alternate plan. Relax at the Lush Lounge with the sultry sounds of Veronica Klaus and her band, performing lounge lizard blues and some holiday tunes. If you want a darker, louder holiday eve, head to Trannyshack's 'Punk Rock Christmas,' featuring the usual very unusual drag performances and a vibe fueled by the aggression of cock-rockin' chords.

Now it's late. The streets are empty. Somewhere out there someone is singing "Silent Night." You could grab some of those cookies you baked and wait for Santa to show up. But maybe you've been inspired by the Book Fair Against Warfare's panel discussions and mind food. Maybe you want to make it known that, though it's hard not to get sucked into the excitements and stresses of the holiday season, things are still screwed up.

Sugarplums are dancing, and reindeer are flying overhead, so why not stir up some true holiday cheer with a guerrilla-style art installation? Back in 1977, on Christmas Eve, spray-can artists in New York City decorated an entire subway train before daylight, addressing the theme "Merry Christmas" with the symbols of the season. People didn't even realize it was graffiti at first – they thought it was a generous gift from the public transit department. Perhaps we owe it to our fair city to come up with a similar project. While it would be wrong for the Bay Guardian to endorse the defacement of buildings or public fixtures, the age-old question remains: What is (public) art? This year's theme is "Peace on Earth." Consider using your Christmas lights to write messages on walls, leave cookies and milk behind wherever you go, and if your talents lie in that direction, go out and rekindle the spirit of the '77 locomotive this holiday season.

Where and when

Pickle Family Circus's 'Circumstance' Dec. 18-Jan. 1, Cowell Theater, Fort Mason Center, Marina at Laguna, S.F. $18-$25. (415) 345-7573.

AcroSports Performance Troupe's 'Next Stop, Anywhere' Dec. 7-8, 11 a.m. and 3 p.m., AcroSports, 639 Frederick, S.F. $8-$15. (415) 665-2276.

'Sea Shanty Caroling' Dec. 22, 5-6 p.m., 826 Valencia, S.F. Free. (415) 642-5905.

'Toymakers!' and 'Creative Gift Wrapping' Sun/1 (toys) and Dec. 8 and 15 (gift wrapping), 1:30-3 p.m., Museum of Children's Art, 538 Ninth St., Oakl. $18-$20. (510) 465-8770, www.mocha.org.

San Francisco League of Urban Gardeners garden craft workshop Dec. 14, 1-3 p.m., Crissy Field Center, Presidio, Bldg. 603, Mason and Halleck Streets, S.F. $15. (415) 561-7752 (to register) or (415) 285-7584 (for more information; ask for Education).

Card-making workshop Dec. 7, noon-4 p.m., 826 Valencia, S.F. Free. (415) 642-5905.

Little Brothers – Friends of the Elderly 909 Hyde, Suite 628, San Francisco, CA 94109; (415) 771-7957, ext. 105; www.littlebrothers.org/sf.

Waxen Moon 1814 Polk, S.F. Call for price. (415) 359-1936.

Color Me Mine 2030 Union, S.F. Call for price. (415) 474-7076.

Creativity Explored holiday sale Dec. 6, 6-9 p.m.; Dec. 7-8, 11 a.m.-6 p.m., 3245 16th St., S.F. (415) 863-2108, www.creativityexplored.org.

San Francisco Art Institute market Dec. 7, 11 a.m.-3 p.m., 701 Chestnut, S.F. (415) 749-4542.

Jack Kerouac Alley market Dec. 8, noon-dusk, off Columbus behind Vesuvio's, S.F. (415) 263-8959.

CELLspace Annual Holiday Craft Fair Dec. 14-15, 11 a.m-7 p.m., 2050 Bryant, S.F. (415) 648-7562.

Mission Village Art, Farm, and Flea Market Sundays through December, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., empty lot behind CELLspace, Florida between 18th and 19th Sts., S.F. (415) 384-0704, market@cellspace.org.

'Santa's Black Market' Dec. 15, 2 p.m.-midnight, SomArts Gallery, 934 Brannan, S.F. $6-$13. (415) 695-9100, www.santasblackmarket.com.

'Sample Sale 2' Dec. 15, 11 a.m.-6 p.m., 111 Minna Gallery, S.F. $2. (415) 305-6463.

Home Chef 3527 California, S.F. Call for schedule and prices. (415) 668-3191.

On Lok Senior Services 1333 Bush, S.F. (415) 292-8888, www.onlok.org.

Compass Community Services Dec. 23, 942 Market, sixth floor, S.F. (415) 399-1491, www.compass-sf.org.

San Francisco Rescue Mission Dec. 21, 230 Jones, S.F. (415) 292-1770, www.sf911.com.

'Aspettando il Natale' Dec. 6, 6-9 p.m., Italingua Institute, 870 Market, Suite 708, S.F. $45 (preregister). (415) 362-6025.

Punk Rock Orchestra Sun/1, 6 p.m.-midnight, the Fishtank, 3405 Piedmont, Oakl. $10. (415) 986-4382.

'Hotel Bethlehem' Through Dec. 14, Thurs.-Sat., 8 p.m., Exit Theatre, 126 Eddy, S.F. $15-$20. 1-877-810-1571.

'A John Waters' X-Mas' Dec. 13, reception 6 p.m., gala 8 p.m., Castro Theatre, 429 Castro, S.F. $29.95 gala, $74.95 reception and gala. (415) 863-0611, hostess2@earthlink.net.

'Boy's Toys,' 4-8 p.m., Daddy's, 440 Castro, S.F. Free. (415) 292-9808.

Veronica Klaus Dec. 24, 9 p.m., Lush Lounge, 1094 Post, S.F. $7. (415) 771-2022.

Trannyshack's 'Punk Rock Christmas' Dec. 24, 10 p.m.-3 a.m., the Stud, 399 Ninth St., S.F. $6. (415) 252-7883.