THIS IS AMANDA No-Clue-Ski reporting live from the San Frandisco Gay Buardian to give you an urgent update on the Scene. Lately we have strayed from our regular coverage of the Scene because, quite frankly, we could not be bothered. Plus, we have been extremely busy with other pursuits – throwing water bottles at strangers' heads during heroic 13-hour Endup marathons, and of course, swallowing half a 'lude and six vodka tonics before telling a completely sober young writer to "grab the future by the horns and wrestle it to the ground." These activities are exhausting, to say the least.

So back to the late-breaking news. Naysayers everywhere (myself not included) mercilessly complain about the recent dip in Citywide Club Slut Enthusiasm and about the preponderance of DJs who bought their turntables in 2000 but still manage to call themselves "O.G. motherfuckin' back in tha day hard-ass motherfuckers." But last week we did a huge bump in the bathroom at Crack Snip (or was it at Blow Sniff?), pulled out the new issue of dance-music porn bible SXLR8R, and discovered the good news. According to SXLR8R, a recent influx of genetic genre permutations has once again made the Scene a safe and interesting place to snort other people's coke.

Apparently it all began last month with the White Strokes, an accidental yet clever major-label crossbreeding of the White Stripes and the Strokes. Although rock will always rule the glorious USA, electronic music also stumbled into the genetic flames a few weeks back in the Lower Haight, when S.F. deep-house megatrons Rasoul, Iz, and Miguel Migs were transformed into one entity called Iz Migs Ra, or Migs Iz Ra. Take your pick.

Iz Migs Ra then stepped into the Horseshoe to take a piss and who should they meet? No less than Qool Memory Fisch, an exciting hybrid of the Qool party's infectious prog house vibe, Memory System's dreamy electronica, and of course, the effervescent Fischerspooner, who are just as good at doing the splits in green tights as they are at making music. Iz Migs Ra and Qool Memory Fisch then bumped into the very minimalist Kit 606 (Kid 606 and Kit Clayton) and Gold Harness Chain, an exciting hybrid of deep 'n' sexy garage (David Harness) and kicky lap-hop (Gold Chains) that debuts next week at Unikorn, a sassy mutation of gay club Universe and Korn's muscle-tush rock rap scene.

We were surprised to learn that Wicked had moved to San Diego and renamed themselves Bitchin', a surf dude makeover of the psychedelic-house days. Additionally, we learned that Garth's Grayhound imprint had been changed to Muni, just to be a little more accessible. Blectum from Blechdom moved north and switched their name to Blectum from Guerneville and will be appearing at the Russian River Blues Festival later this summer.

But back to Qool, if you will. DJ Spesh turned a little bit hip-hop with J-Boogie in their tough-guy trance-hop outfit, Boogie-Spesh, while laptop perpetrators Safety Scissors and Twerk merged into the digital powerhouse Safety-Twerk. Noise rock band Pink and Brown went cosmic jazz as the Pink and Broun Fellinis, and the punky Crack: We Are Rock went rare groove when they joined forces with the city's friendliest promoter and became Crack: We Are Vinnie Esparza.

It was only a matter of time before huge sideburns and painted nipples came into the picture with Felix the Polywog (Felix the Dog meets Polywog). And everyone was predicting this one – Second Sunday and Spundae made a savvy political move by becoming Sloppy Second Spundae, where you can get your bump on with cheeky, horny hos that your best friend fucked two years ago. God, how I adore the Scene.